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This is a time of change. Major change. I've gone through horrific depression. I've got the scars to prove it. But yet, I don't know how to use that to help others. I wish I knew how to inspire people. I wish I could help. I want to use my pain to bring good to the world, to those I love the most.The only thing worse than depression is watching someone be depressed and feeling helpless. I've been there. I tried to kill myself. I just wish I could help. I wish I wasn't as useless as a I feel.

Amber

Amber. A shade of brown you might say. But do not be confused: Amber Brown is not a crayon!! (I <3 Paula Danziger)

I bought two amber light bulbs today. They are all I had hoped they would be. Amber is such a sensual color. It gives a dull light and tremendous warmth to the room. It's calming, and arousing at the same time. Dark enough to sleep in, light enough see. It's almost an old-fashioned color.

Every survey I've ever gotten has asked me what my favorite color is. My answer now? Amber.

By the way, Amber is also a really cute female name. Especially if she has light freckles. Am I thinking of someone? I'm not sure.

Mother's Day & Shopping

Mother's Day went well, in spite of everyone being super tired. I woke up extra early after a scary dream from which I could not wake up. I made breakfast for my parents. Mom got two over easy eggs with toast, bacon, and juice, while dad got a cheese omelet with coffee. It was a nice gesture. I'm not the best cook, but I make pretty decent breakfasts.

Tonight I went out and bought flowers for Hilary Catron and Nancy Stein, my two surrogate mothers. This was for a belated mother's day gift. Mama Catron seemed a little pissy, so I think my flowers raised her mood a little bit. Mom and I went over to Nancy's and I was deligthed to see that her parents and sister was there. I love those people. I also got to see midnight and sugarbean!! <3 those two simply love me! Nancy loved the flowers and we all stayed maybe an hour and a half and had the most wonderful chat.

Before all this happened however, Mom took me shelf shopping at Home Depot because I need one to free up space on my desk. I'll put electronics and stuff on it. While we were there, I bought a plant!!! Plants make me happy. They're always pleasing to be around, and they give me someone to talk to. I know, they're not people, but they're great listeners It's a Yucca. I named him Yoko. Yoko the Yucca. He's quite handsome. I shall place him in the sunlight, and water him, and we will have merry times.

I also bought a new blacklight bulb, but more importantly, these amber lightbulbs..to which I will dedicate another post.

Scary Dream

I had the scariest dream this morning. I was being chased, and I knew I was dreaming but I couldn't wake up! Everything was dark and scary, and I was desperately trying to wake myself up and I couldn't!! Every time I tried, my vision just blurred and turn black and took me somewhere else, the chase never ending.

I finally woke up...so I thought. I was awake in my bed (not a dream, I was awake) and I tried to get out of bed and I couldn't. I went back into the dream!!

I finally woke up and got out of bed, but everything seemed surreal, as though I was still in a dream. It scared the crap out of me and I got super paranoid. I splashed my face with cold water, took Keeper out and fed him, got some breakfast, and opened the doors and windows.


I went back to sleep awhile later, and I had a dream that I shotgunned a wolf with my Nerf Longshot gun. The things we dream...

HAHAHA!! SO wierd!!!!!

For reference, the IM message is above whoever said what.





Tree fiddy!
RealisticSalmon
is this an AIM BOT or what?
its actually three forty
no wonder that damn monster keeeps coming back to our house u keep giving him tree fiddy
RealisticSalmon
who is this
RealisticSalmon
you're fucked in the head you know?
this is true2lifetenor1
who the hell are you?
who?
RealisticSalmon
im thinking you have the wrong person
I don't know you
okay
RealisticSalmon
hwos this?
u imed me
RealisticSalmon
this is M@
RealisticSalmon
no, actually I didn't
who is this
RealisticSalmon
name's Justin
justin c?
RealisticSalmon
no
Justin D.
I live in PA
then idk you
RealisticSalmon
u imed me saying tree fiddy
RealisticSalmon
r u serious?
RealisticSalmon (4:36:10 AM): Tree fiddy!
RealisticSalmon signed off at 4:36:57 AM.
RealisticSalmon is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
RealisticSalmon
I've got some virus or something
I totally did not send that
well i got it
RealisticSalmon
not sure how that happened
I don't even know what tree fidy means anywyas
normally that only sends to people on ur bl
RealisticSalmon
why am i on ur buddy list?
RealisticSalmon
This is Justin Dunkle
do you know me?
I'm pretty sure you're not on my buddy list
do u have a facebook?
RealisticSalmon
yeah
what's ur name?
matt barone
RealisticSalmon
i go to suny new paltz
RealisticSalmon
well, we def don't know through facebook
sorry about the message. Im super confused
haha okay c ya
RealisticSalmon
no prob
RealisticSalmon
l8r
just ignore it if it happnes again or block me or something lol

Ummm

RealisticSalmon: tree fiddy!
true2lifetenor1: What?
true2lifetenor1: I don't get it...
RealisticSalmon: what?

RealisticSalmon has gone offline.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Home. It's where my heart is. My home is in Greencastle, Pennsylvania. I used to hate this place. I wanted to get as far away from here as possible. Wheaton was far enough away. But after two years of college, I miss my home so much. I miss my family and I miss my friends. I know that that is not unusual, but I feel that maybe it might go a little deeper for me.

My friends are my lifeblood. They are what get me through the nastiest of days. They are my motivation and the source of my perseverance. I have struggled with suicide, and I have experienced the death of a dear friend. I am beginning to appreciate the fragility and value of life. I am taking every moment as a gift. Diana and Ashley had mentioned celebrating the end of each month. I think it's a wonderful idea. Every day should be a mini-celebration. We don't know what could happen to us.

Diana Catron. My best friend. I know it's not nice to play favorites, but she deserves the title. I cannot count the number of times she has been there for me in my time of need, whether it be offering me words of advice, love, or just holding me. I would do anything for her. And sometimes, I do things whether she likes it or not :P I've found true meaning in "loving someone to death". I strongly believe that a friendship such as ours is a rare one. We Greencastlinians are a specialy breed as Diana herself has said. This community is small and loving. It has its problems, but I love this place. I used to be disgusted with hick culture, big loud trucks, and everything Greencastle represents, but since I've been gone, I have taken a liking to my hometown. This is where I grew up, and after being around a differenet type of community, I have come to the realization that our town is so very special. the people are so different.

I am damn proud to have been raised here. I love small communities because they are so unique! Everyone knows one another, know all the nicknames for little streams and hills. Everyone knows the little nooks and crannies of the back country. We gaze into sunsets, we fish, hunt, and we admire big, loud trucks. We listen to country music and wear cowboy boots.

I simply love the dynamic of Greencastle. We maintain our stereotypes and our variety at the same time. The schools are great and the landscape is amazing. We're small, and nature is everywhere.

I love the country air, cows, barns, and back roads. I love sunsets and mountains.


I fucking LOVE GREENCASTLE!!!

I love my friends!!!

Tags:

The. End. (of my sophomore year)

Finally, I am laying on my bed in PA. I've been ready to come back home for some time and it's never felt better to be back.

I was up all of last night getting things ready to go home: cleaning my room, and packing. Cleaning was a pain because I had a ton of glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and it took a while to get them off. I also used illegal adhesive at the beginning of the year and I was able to get most of it off, however I ran out of goo gone and some of it had to stay, so thats fine #1. Fine #2 is the fact that I can't throw out my heap of scrap metal footon (how DO you spell that?) een though I took it completely apart. So I had to find a dump, which I didn't, so I get nailed with a 75 dollar fee. Crap. I've also got stains on the carpet. Tack on fine #3. Fine #4 manifests itself through the chairs we're missing. Crap! 50 a piece. (2) Fine #5 is because someone stole our matress, and the only one we could find had a slash in it. Damn.

My parents wanted to load up at 9:30 am, but we didn't get out of Wheaton until about 1:30. I had my fast food binge today, eating a 10 piece Chicken McNugget, a medium chocolate malt, a small fry, a McChicken, a BK quad stacker, a starbucks coffee, a Hardees Mushroom and swiss and a medium chocolate shake. MMmmmm.

So most of my journey I was sleeping and having dreams. I like it when I remember my dreams. They're pretty interesting most of the time.

My Bidz.com order came in and its really sweet. A silver watch, cool shades, a nice pen, and a calender calculator that functions the same way a slide phone does. It's schwa.

End Transmission.

Festival of Faith

Friday was the Festival of Faith concert, in which all the conservatory ensembles perform. Concert Choir fluctuated pitch on the Daley piece with Erica Breitbarth, but Zach Troyer conducted "The Woman with the Alabaster Box" by Arvo Part, and it was AMAZING! I did especially well sustaining pitch and quality on the higher notes.

I sat through the rest of the concert and bawled. Half of my tears were probably because I hadn't taken my medicine in a few days, and the other half was due to the many memories that surfaced during the remainder of the concert. The Symphony Orchestra played Academic Festival Overture, which I played in PMEA, thus making me miss PMEA...and Beth. The Wind Ensemble played Ticheli's Amazing Grace, which Beth and I both love. And the whole night I couldn't stop thinking of Emily. I don't know why. I suppose I was thinking about being back home and how much it would start to sink in.

I really wished that she could have been there to hear the music. It was beautiful. I dedicated my performance to her, and I hope that all the music that was made made her smile up there.

Lastly, at the conclusion of the concert, I had to say goodbye to Amedee. She and I weren't super close, but she was the one person at Wheaton who understood my struggles with depression and cutting. She helped me so many times, she hugged me so often and said sweet things to me. I really looked up to her as a singer and a friend; as a human being. I liked her. She was gorgeous and had a kind face that I fell in love with. I can't remember ever crying as hard in college as I did that night. I will miss her. If it wasn't for her, I don't know if I'd still be around...

SUN of a b*tch

What the heck, I was just talking about how nice it is then I look back outside and its gray and raining, and there are skulls with bat wings flying around Cmon!