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The Daily Dream

Ladies and Gentleman, the time has...*looks out the window* "Shit!! It's raining frickin' hard! So much for our game of capture the flag tonight. ...Anyways,... the time has come for me to tell you of my dream. This one I found to be rather exciting.

So I'm with my room mate Solomon at "Sheetz" in G-town. I'm apparently a cop and driving a cop car. I go into Sheetz and Solomon wants to know if we can go back to some place to watch Batman Begins for the second time and then go get booze. So next thing I know, I'm riding a bicycle down a back road, going to wherever it is Solomon wanted me to go. This isn't any ordinary bike though, this is fricking chopper style, with the handlebars way over my head, very difficult to steer. So, I look behind me and there is a white car full of what at first looked like boy scouts. But no, these were old-man scouts, with long white and gray scraggly beards. They also happened to be wearing HUGE red fezzes with enormous yellow tassels. I'm thinking "that's creepy" and ride even faster. I'm swerving around the road, and a car comes at me head on. Without enough time to go back to the right, I swerve left and end up ramping up some grassy bank (hill). (apparently, I'm traveling faster than the car traffic! HAHA! That's hot..especially on my chopper bicycle) My bike flips and gets tangled in the wires of a utility pole. Meanwhile, I'm getting the bejeeziz shocked out of me, thinking "damn, I don't even have a cell phone to call anybody. Crap."

Normally in a dream, when you get shocked, its a slight tingle, but that shit hurt!! I wailed out of bed and drank about a gallon of water. not sure why I was so thirsty.

2nd Dream: I'm looking at the front of my house. There are three silos in the horizon. All of a sudden, the sky gets really dark, and instead of hay coming out of these farm silos, out comes MISSILES!! They rain down fiery destruction upon my house and my house bursts into flames. I'm like "SHIT!" So I run into the flaming heap of wood and start looking for my family. My mom is passed out on the bed, unconscious. I heave her over my shoulders and ran her out of the house, thereby saving her life. I apparently saved a little boy and my dad too. I laid them outside on a open sleeping bag and laid a blanket over them, not sure why. If I was burning alive, the last thing I'd want is for someone to cover me with a blanket, but whatever. Cool beans. I'm a hero
In this chair, sit I here
reflecting on a wasted year
crisp and fresh, this winter breeze
blowing on me, conjuring
memories of hills and trees
brown of trunk and red of leaf
Sunsets pale and moon is bright
friends are many, hearts are light
The road to you house is long indeed
But distance does not trouble me
For I would travel all my life
Just to hold your hand one more time.
Do not think that I can let you go
In the Lord I'm trusting
My feelings, dear, are unremitting
My will, never rusting

Praying, I will never cease
Hoping, I will find my peace
Waiting, I will smile
I will be here.
Arms open.
Always Loving.
You know that, Beth.
I think I've had just about as much as I can take. Emily's death was a month ago, but as if that wasn't enough, Kiel goes on the first too a month later.

Today, concert choir has our second day of unsuccessful recording for the McNair project. Rehearsal was about over and I suddenly just lost all the strength in my body. My body was shaking and I could barely hold my music up. I couldn't really even sit up straight. I think all this emotional tension has finally just started breaking my body down. I just need to go home. I need to be with everyone's family. I need to hold my friends and see the mountains. Maybe find true love (fat chance).

In the midst of all this news, someone still has the strength to bitch about relatively unimportant matters. I have no strength left in me. All I want to do is give up and cry, that is, if I had been raised in a town that accepted that sort of behaviour from males. I seldom find the comfort to just cry, and lately, I've had no other way to release my tension, so it just bottles up. No friends to hug, no 70 mile bike rides through the mountains, and country fields.

I don't have time to be someone else's bitch right now. I need to worry about me.

Wheaton is a nice community, but I'll take my secular, hick-town,any day. Where people are real with each other. Where things aren't awkward. Where you can have a beer after a hard day and no one gives you shit for it. A place where you and your friends can find plenty of things to do without spending a dime. Where you can ride around the mountains in a dirty truck. Where people get off school for hunting season. Where spitting chew is the norm, and people can run around town, and you can play poker with your buds and actually bid. A town where everyone knows the names of the cops and which ones will pull you over and which are cool. A place where people are genuine with whatever feelings they have. A farming community that listens to country music and cows outnumber the people.

Most of all, a place where you can get away from the world. You can look in solitude over High Rock with your friends or alone at a sunrise and sunset. You can chill out at Pen Mar and walk the Appalachian trail, snacking on wild berries and walk alongside abandoned railroad tracks. A place where Martin's Mill Bridge is only a minute or two away, where fishing and canoing are more than common. A place where wide open fields and woods and lakes abound, making for the most romantic, intimate outings. A place where everywhere you go, nature's beauty is seen, and enjoyed. Cowen's Gap offers camping and boating, and hiking, and swimming, fishing.... I miss Greencastle. This is my home. This is where I'm from. I love my tiny, rural, country, home. I love the people. I love my friends. I love the place. This is where I grew up, and I'm damn proud to have been raised here.

To my friends, my family, and to the friends that have made me family: I miss you all. I love you all. And I cannot wait to see you all again.

Reply to Diana's CANT SLEEP

Do you sleep in your bra?
Nah. When you've got titties as big as mine, you need to be free after a day of confinement.

Do you enjoy drama?
Apparently I must, because A) I love opera and B) I've been told I'm full of it (drama that is, although the other isn't foreign at all)

Are you a girly girl?
Fuck yeah! Throw me the eyeliner and the lipstick! I'm more of a woman than ALL ya'll

Last person you hugged?
Kathryn. It was after chapel.

Small or big purses?
I actually prefer the smaller ones. But not the ones that get full after three toothpicks. Those just look awkward. What do you fit in there? A sheet of paper?

Do you think you’re conceited?
yeah. I'll admit it. Damn.

Do you dress up on Halloween?
I dress your mom up on Halloween. She loves some kinky monster sex. ;D

Are you double jointed?
Not usually. I just smoke one at a time. But this one time I huffed three bongs at once! What a buzz!

Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Hmm. Probably the backseat of a car, butt naked (with a girl), in a driveway full of people. That's fuckin' kinky ya'll <3

Has anyone touched/smacked your butt?
Who hasn't? Even straight guys wanna tap it. (and do)

Last person who u[sic] hung out with:
Does anyone know what that random [sic] is for? Like, I "sic"ed my dog on someone? I hung out with Josh Whitmore, my RA. We watched Pitch Black: Chronicles of Riddick

Do you call anybody by their last name?
Sure. Like Brock's mom for instance. I just yell out "Hey Bitch!!" What!? Oh her first name? It's Maya.

How many guys will read this just because it says Lady Survey?

ACTUALLY, it didn't say lady survey thanks to Diana. But I went ahead anyways. I can be one of the girls, cant i?
Do you wear makeup?
While on stage! Little Women was my first makeup job ever. I've always wondered about some Emo eyeliner/shadow, but I would probably feel incredibly insecure.

Ever cried at a movie theater?
Quietly. I can't help it I'm an emotional person.

Can you put mascara on without opening your mouth?
Nor can I put contacts in without a gaping orifice.

Do you think Ryan Sheckler is cute?
Diana, Ryan Scheckler is a skateboarder. He's apparently amazing. But no, I don't think he's cute. I just want to beat him up for some reason. I don't even know why. He's just one of those people that whenever you see them, you want to punch them.

Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Yeah. Mostly by people's parents. lol hahahaha YEA!


Eyeliner or Mascara?
Mascara. I Dig that on chicks. Especially the dark stuff.

Louis vuitton or dooney?
Dooney, because it sounds like Dorney.

American Eagle or Hollister?
Choiceless choices. I take Hollister cuz I like the beach.

Heels or flats?
Heels are lady like, but then they're more clumsy and slower usually. But I prefer heels to flats. Heels are way sexy. That's lady like.

Skirts or jeans?
SKIRTS! Giggity Giggity.

Socks or leggings?
Um, i've only known cowboys/girls to wear "leggings" Toe socks are best.

Hoodies or jackets?
Hoooodies. That's gangsta pimpin'

Heels or sneakers?
heels once again. Sneakers can make you look like trash if you don't have the right outfit.

Straight or curly hair?
Straight FO SHO

Hoops or dangling earings?
Dangling. Hoops make me want to rip them off your earlobes and hoolahoop with them.

Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Dark!!? DIANA!? DAMN> Stupid blonde...oohhh wait. *looks in the mirror* shit. I like the light haired ones

Are you currently frustrated with a guy?
Myself. But that's it.

Do you have a best friend?
Well, unlike Diana, I do have a best friend. She knows she's it too.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah. Many times.

Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Maybe lipo.

Do you like your life?
I'm pretty satisfied with my potential to have a great life.

Has your ex boyfriend ever gone out with one of your friends?
Luckily, none of my partners has dated any of my friends

Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
Never in my life. I've always wondered what it looks like in there.

Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?

Would you ever tell someone you loved them even though you didn't?
Hell no. That's awful.


Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Yeah. Then I regretted not punching him.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
I do on occassion.

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
All the time.

Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”?
I believe people can change. So no.

Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Like this survey.

Do you ever wish you were famous?
I am famous, biotch.

Are you currently missing someone?


Cowboy or Gangster?
Though I've embraced my hick roots, I'm a gangster at heart. If it were a girl, I would find a country girl really hot.

Preppy or Punk/Goth?
Again, I'm going with a perspective on girls. Punk. No. Goth? Maybe, without all the chains and weird shit. That's creepy. You can wear black and black makeup. Maybe some spikes and a chain. More than that no. Kayla was Goth you know.

Well-educated or Dropout?

Anything Cute or Abercrombie?

Contacts or Glasses?
Contact. Glasses always get in the way when you're being intimate.

Funny or Serious?
Both. people need to have both.

Romantic or Daredevil?

Cute or Hot?
I've always liked cute.

Long Hair or Short Hair?
Short, but at least to the bottom of the neck

Good Dancer or Good Singer?
Do I really need to tell you? Singer.

Basketball Player or Football Player?
Basketball. She better not be playing football. Mrs. Beastly

Smoker or Non-smoker?
Non, absolutely

Has a Motorcycle or Has a Sports Car?
Sports car. I don't like biker chicks.


Berlioz Requiem Part I

I just returned from the first performance of the Berlioz requiem. The performance went much better than all the rehearsals I thought. Again, the old adage that an awful practice makes a great performance holds true. The piece is rather demanding and I hadn't sufficiently warmed up, so I sat out on some of the notes. I wish I was more enthusiastic about the piece, but I, nor the rest of the concert choir have really had time to invest in the piece in lieu of all our time being spend with the McNair project. Our applause was long, loud, and we got standing ovations (of course). Each conductor came out on stage and had their choir stand up; Doc was last, and when the concert choir stood up, the audience cheered super loud! That really put a smile on my face, as it was a sign that the community appreciates the concert choir's reputation of excellence, and enjoy our sound. So that made me feel like I was a part of something important. I was inspired by John Nelson's comment before the performance began, that he bet that a great many people in the choirs probably have lost someone very close within the past year. I immediately thought of Emily. He asked us to dedicate the piece in memory of those in our lives who have passed away (It is a requiem, a mass for the dead). So, my performance tonight was dedicated to Emily. I feel that I did very well.

Earlier today, I went to chapel and the topic was "What ever happened to Christian Intimacy? :healing and relationships" Kathryn encouraged me to go, so I did. The overall quality of the lecture was better than most. But the relationship part of it was a generalized relationship, not specifically romantic, but I did take away a good bit from the lecture. He was speaking on how to be a good listener, and how to be of comfort to those in pain.

Lunch was especially great today! I had buttered fish, Hawaiian chicken, coconut rice with this really great sauce, and a dinner roll, ooh! And England chowder and Sweet Roasted pepper soup. Delicious. Bravo Bon Appetit.

I finally got the philosophy test out of the way that I have have had to push back for at least two weeks now. Dr. O'Connnor has been especially gracious to me and I don't think I would have kept my sanity without him. We'll see how it went before too long.

Story of the day: I contacted Premier Reader(s?) (There is one that is legit and one that is fraudlent. +/- the s.) Service today. For those of you who don't remember/don't know what I am talking about, this is a scamming/fraudulent company that charges you out the nose for ordinary magazines. A while back they contacted me via cell phone and coerced me into signing up for their "service" and like a dumbass, I fell into their glittery traps of doom, and said "sure!". WELL I thought it wass all too good to be true, so I did some reserach. Turns out they've been swindling people for quite some time, and I'm not the only one they've tried to get money. Now it is here that my story takes an interesting turn, because I found out about them and cancelled my card before they could get any money from me. I called them, told them I knew they were fraudulent (they don't even have a real address), but they brushed me aside and were like "too bad, you can't cancel" so I said "alright" I thought the whole thing was cleared up, until I started getting magazines in my mailbox. There's not really a way to return it that I know of. I've read that people who DID send back the magazines (who knows how) were still being charged. Crap. Well I've already expressed that I wish to cancel my subscrption, and they keep sending me stuff. ok. free stuff.
So TODAY, I decided I don't even like the magazines I am getting from them, so why not change and get what I want for as long as I can until they figure out they're the ones getting swindled. (At this point everyone says I am in dangerous waters. Maybe I am. Here's my thoughts, what legal action can a company take, when they're not actually a company in the first place? They're jsut a collection of insiders ripping people off. They don't have any information other than my college address. So I'm safe for now (so I think))

When I first asked to change, a man told me "you have an outstanding balance of.." 200 some dollars. Riight. He gave me the card number they had for me... TOTALLY the wrong number. SO i gave them the right number...of a card that already had been cancelled. It didn't go through of course. So I played it off and asked him to try again. The same thing happens. I "get on" my internet banker and tell him " OMG there's 3 sweep charges! How did I not know about that!! No wonder it won't go through, there's no money in my checking account! He totally bought it and I told him I would be getting a summer job soon, and that I'd send he money via mail. He bought that too. I ask " so can I still get the new magazines in the mean time" He told me "we almost never allow anyone to do that, but I think we could work something out" MAybe it's just me, but that sounds like a "company" that will do anything to rip you off and get your money, even if it means extending your deadline. Thing is, they still think I'm buying their whole spiel. Nope.

SO, a customer service agent changed my "subscriptions" from Time, Interview, and some other crap magazine to Maxim, Auto something, and Popular Science. Sweet deal!!!

I'm feeling pretty sneaky. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

The First of Many...I Hope.

So, here's the first post in a very very long time. It's been several years since the last xanga "incident" with malicious users that forced me off. But alas, I am starting anew, and I think it's a good thing too.

Today has been a little weird. This morning I actually woke up for my 8:30 Aural Skills class. I ended up having to take a make-up rhythm quiz after class, which didn't go so well. I could barely focus because I felt really close to passing out. I hadn't had anything to eat yet and I think that my "overdose" on vicodin could have contributed to the overall feeling of lousiness.

Last week Beth and I had one last talk about what used to be a relationship. Almost all of my questions were answered, but the answers were not really what I expected/wanted to hear. The time has come to let her go, because she has let go of me. I understand that I have been awful, and I am truly repentant, but it is not enough for her. Apparently only time itself may heal the emotional scars of the "drama" I put her through. I know that I have loved with all my heart, and have given her more patience, time, and love than she really deserves. It hurts to leave her alone, but I suppose it is her turn to be ruined by destructive habits. I can no longer commit myself to a fantasy. I must move on with my life. I am trying to learn how to do that now.

College is a bitch. I am not succeeding well in classes right now. Partially due to my procrastination, but mostly due to the extremely difficult circumstances I have had to deal with this year. I presume my scholarship will be taken from me, and I rest in peace knowing that I have exerted what effort I have been able. It is no reflection of my talent.

I am ashamed of my lack of musical progress the past two years, but I am still hopeful that I will be able to rise from the ashes this summer, make money, and dedicate myself to my studies. I have asked my voice teacher if she thinks I can make it far and she believes I can. I hope it doesn't turn out to be a load of bull crap.

I need to go study some more. Ick. I'll be back.

Holy S#!^ A New Post!

I have been inspired by Diana's marvelous posting examples of making more productive use of my time when I feel bored, rather than waiting around on facebook, wishing something would happen. I think this could be a really healthy outlet for me to express myself to my closest cohorts without needing to do in via IM. May this be the first of many.

Long Time, No See

Greetings to all!
It has been quite some time since last I posted, more than a year! I've been thus inspired by Diana's frequent posting LJ. I really respect that. Even during the busiest of weeks, she still finds time to post. Congrats to my favorite girl.

So this week is freakin' Crazy. Here's today's schedule: have a meeting with Dr. Wiens about my missed 6:30 call time for our Saturday Christmas concert. I'm pretty nervous about that. Who know what awful things will take place. After which, I will scarf down lunch, and study more for New Testament and hopefully get some flash cards done for that and for French diction. I have no idea what I'm doing with French. I just might not make it past thursday.

Unfortunately for most everyone, Dr. Holman has required the OMT cast to get acquainted through dinner with the alternate Arena Theater cast. Puke.

Let me express to you some pet peeves, especially during this stressful time before finals. (and for me finals themselves)

1) Loud people, yelling in my ear trying to talk to someone across the room. Just freakin' go over and talk to them
2) people that dawdle on the piano, every. single. day. and by dawdle, I don't mean play, I mean, try to play and end up making asses of themselves. I sometimes like to tinker, but I realize when I am insufficient to create a pleasing sound to the audience. Morons.
3) People that use your own words against you with no tact. There's a proper way to be defiant. Ruthlessness is not one of them unless you hate the person, in which case, who cares.
4) spatially unaware people. They lack the focus and courtesy to pay attention where they are going. They bump into you, back up into you, move slowly in narrow hallways. They go up stairs at a tear-jerkingly-slow pace.
5) Awkward jokes. I'm not sure how to describe this one. I don't even think that "jokes" properly defines it. It's more like people that just talk to hear themselves talk. They will try to make a joke out of everything and it just does not work. Yet, They don't realize how awkward they are.
6)awkward distances with awkward people. You know who I'm talking about everyone. It's those people that are just odd to begin with, then they just stand uncomfortably close to each other during a conversation. Close enough they should be making out rather than talking. PLease. It just makes the rest of us feel wierd. Try to be considerate of that.
7) The never-ending awkward silence. These people say hello, and it goes downhill from there. "hi".........*so.........?* Don't initiate conversation with someone unless you have something to say. They just stand there, as if they have something to say, but really they dont. It's even more awkward when they try to involve themselves in your activities. "hey! you want me to help you wash your [dirty underwear]?"They follow you around and won't leave you the hell alone!!
8)People that get corporately excited. These people have no control over themselves when everyone else is either laughing, or just getting excited. Yelling ensues, too much talking, laughing, and loud converstaions about nothing.
9) People that take everything out of context and make a joke of it (specifically in choir). Lets say doc tells us to enunciate our k's. instead of just fixing the problem, everyone has to spit and make a HUGE deal of it, which completley ruins the music. So instead of rehearsing that section once, we have to do it 2-3 times. Multiply that by 10, and you've got a recipe to get pissed off.
10) the wheaton, christian skank that gets offended when you look at her. you're dressing skankily, so, people are goign to treat you that way.
11) I'm done.

Jul. 31st, 2006

Sunday, July 30, 2006

11:54 PM - Blog.
Current mood: pissed off

Wow. Life sucks. I really can't think of the last time things went my way. This summer has just been so difficult. First was the car accident, next our basement flooded, I haven't been able to keep in touch with any of my friends, and now I''m losing my mind, my will, and my patience. I can't wait to get to college and get away from everything, everyone.

I suppose some of it is my fault, I mean, not being in touch with people. I suppose I haven't been making a great effort to keep in touch with people. But I have my reasons. Honostly, I doubt they would even want to talk to me. They smile, they say nice things to me, they invite me places and do things with me, but I guess everyone gets caught up in themselves sometime. I know I'm guilty of multiple offenses.

Is it just me? Is this all in my head? There's so many faces, but none are my friend. You laugh and you smile but you push me away, now I'm lost, I have no one, day after day.

Is it just me? Is this all in my head? You act like you care but then leave me for dead. I reach out to you, try to hold your hand, but you turn the other way, again and again ...

(original lyrics by me, right now)

I leave the 16th. I know you won't miss me. Don't leave your lying comments. Can't you be sincere for once in your life?


3:19 AM - Update
Current mood: Hurt
Category: Hurt Life

Wow. It's been so long since I last posted on here. I just have not had the time, let alone the will. So life at Taco Bell has been just as bland and equally disgusting as the food that is served there. I often get the feeling that I am one of the more intelligent employees. Just recently I was chastised for "working too fast". I was unaware it was a bad thing to do my job well. But alas, that is, I'm sure, part of the reason why they work at Taco Bell. Maybe if they took their job seriously and actually cared, they would get a better position, or even a better job. Perhaps, even a career. Despite the drudgery of Taco Bell, the money is well worth the agony of my employment there. I already have over one thousand dollars saved for my personal college expenses. I, however, am using what little self control I have to make a budget for myself to save money to spend on her.
She deserves everything I have.

College is quickly approaching and there are many things left to be done: packing, financing, preparing mentally and spiritually, and sweating blood over the upcoming concert choir audition at freshman orientation. I am looking forward to Wheaton with immense anticipation. It is a new start. It is a new chapter to be written in the torn, stained, and tattered book that is my life. I can begin a new and better section, unscathed by the previous opinions and dirty glances of the fakers, the liars, the proud, the preppy, the goth, the hicks, the jocks, Mrs. Harvie and Mr. Forney. . . and those that claimed to be my friend, and turned their back when I truly needed someone. When the hard times came, they shook like a leaf in a storm and fled with their tail between their legs.

But thanks to her. My one. My only; she was my umbrella when I thought this black cloud over my head would never pass. She is a bright, and splendid rainbow against the dark and sullen skies of life; my lifeboat that reaches out to me when I find myself sinking in a mire of depression and hopelessness. I'm lost without her. Without her I wilt like a flower with severed roots, exsanguinated. Drained of life. Without her, I am nothing.

~Thank You Beth~